Today I got out of my car and stepped on a snail. I knew immediately what had happened, and it broke my heart.

I looked around, and there was another snail walking moving along the sidewalk, and then I felt even worse because that snail had heard his friend crunch.

It occurred to me that I should have had a little broom to sweep in front of me everywhere I went, but then I remembered that I’m not a fan of Jainism, really, or Buddhism, or whatever it is where people wear smocks and push Swiffers around in front of themselves all the time.

Walking into my apartment, I hoped that the snail was really dead, and had died quickly, because I didn’t want it to be half-squashed and crying and miserable with no hope of getting help.

There are no ambulances for snails, so far as I’m aware.


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